I Love Airports (Vol 2)

Heath­row !!! You know, I was brought up under the flight path of that great splat on the lan­scape — even used to go there for a treat — when it was just a col­lec­tion of Nis­sen huts and the planes were so few and far between you walked across the run­way to get to the grassy view­ing area — with don­key rides for bored chil­dren. Saw Yuri Gagarin there too — he waved at us specially.

But now it’s hell on earth — pass­port, ticket, board­ing card — no, board­ing card, ticket — no, pass­port only — no, board­ing card andpass­port. Take off your coat, take off your shoes, one carry on bag only, two bags is fine, any pastes or liquids, use clear plastic bags, now way is that an “Inno­cent” smoothie, use our dimen­sions, stand in this queue, stand in that queue, did you pack your bag your­self, where was it when you were on the train, how old is your elec­trical equip­ment, where did you get it — CONGRATULATIONS — you have got through secur­ity and now you can shop shop shop in the 2 hours left before you are even called to the gate. And sud­denly, the one measly bag you are allowed as cabin bag­gage can be sup­ple­men­ted with all the stuff you ever wanted from all those crowded, crammed, crummy flight-side retail out­lets. And BAA will use your money to build more run­ways, more shops, more end­less cor­ridors, and kill the planet.

And then there’s Dulles (Wash­ing­ton DC). The Immig­ra­tion people (Depart­ment of Home­land Secur­ity) pledge which you can read sev­eral times as you wait in line, says they will treat you with respect but their demean­our is undeni­ably hos­tile — and as a white AS male I’m glad I have none of the other char­ac­ter­ist­ics which might pro­voke them into send­ing you straight to Guantanamo.

But — two pluses for the US. At both Wsh­ing­ton Air­ports you can sit around and see aero­planes — Heath­row seems to find this quaintly old-fashioned. And the secur­ity seems less para­noid (once the Dept of Orwellian Secur­ity has let you in).

By con­trast, the flights, Vir­gin Atlantic, were great. Most enjoy­able cross­ings I’ve ever had, given that I’ve missed the age of the great liners.